Remember my post about my journey in self discovery? It is a life long journey, and trying my best to stay focused. 2013 is throwing me curve balls, but I refuse to let them be a true obstacle.
This week I got back into my gym schedule; kept my promise to be accountable by checking in at the gym, and keeping my mental motivation going. I did miss it. I forgot I enjoyed it. My body is all full of those familiar aches from working out. You know, the good pain. My muscles feel rejuvenated. My head seems clearer. The feeling of being back in control resumed, and my thoughts stayed positive. Until today. I don’t know why I get wrapped up in things, more so with certain people. For some reason, I allow them to freely say whatever they have on their minds without repercussion from me. No matter, through it all, I try to stay positive, but it never seems right. Sometimes I feel like I choose the edited path because I have stigma from my 20s, what I call my overly opinionated days. I would never hold back my feelings, even to the point that I hurt someone. That girl, me, has been gone for too long. I didn’t love that part of me, but she has been too buried that I think I’ve lost that edge.
As of today, I started to allow myself to let my feelings loose; ok a little bit looser. No longer will I be too polite not to answer back. Or too scared to share my opinion. I never really stuck up for myself, just to appease or to cause less drama. I despise drama. I am not a victim, that’s not what I am saying. I am a strong minded woman, who just lets things go to not argue, but in the end I am left feeling dissatisfied that I didn’t say anything and weak that I let someone else think they’ve won. When people can hurt you like no other cause they know you aren’t going to say anything in return, it sucks. I don’t bark back out of respect. I edit myself and in the end of it feel like keeping quiet was best.
But it isn’t.