Ron Swanson as Nick Offerman

Our belated Valentine’s night out was a lot of fun. Ate lots. Drank lots. Laughed lots. And dipped waffles into Nutella.  See? A lot of fun.  We ended the night with seeing Nick Offerman at the Wilbur Theater.  Nick Offerman plays Ron Swanson on NBC’s Parks and Rec.  If there is any actor that comically kills me with his straight face..it’s Nick Offerman.

Ron F’king Swanson people!!

Nick Offerman came out on stage without a shirt on. Full hairy glory with a slight paunch and an acoustic guitar strapped around him. Not such a stud, but hilarious since we were told there could be some nudity during the show.  Then he quickly threw on the ‘classiest’ of American flag denim button up shirts, just a touch tight, and started on his show. From the second he opened his mouth to speak I felt captivated. There is such a blurred line between his real self and his TV character..they seem to be one in the same persona.  I like that about him, and thus the title to this post.  Nick Offerman’s technically not a comedian, but holy cow you’d never know it he is so funny; what a fantastic and well written show.  

His show centered around his life lessons, ‘Ten Secrets to Life”. I outline them below. He spoke about how he is a simple guy married to a beautiful woman, who happens to be a celebrity, and they live a simple life in the Hollywood hills in a house that Will n’ Grace’s money built. I never laughed so hard, cried so much, or questioned myself (in a good way) through two hours like I did Saturday night. I am not usually a fan of parodies or singing during comedy shows, but this night I was. He sang between subjects. From Taylor Swift to ending the show with the song 5,000 Candles in the Wind for Lil Sebastian, from Parks and Rec. Too funny.

Nick Offerman’s Ten Secrets to Life:

Engage in romantic love.
He starts with, “As a Hollywood couple, you’d expect us to be heading down to the Whiskey-A-Go-Go with the Sheen family or shooting up with the Kardashian clan.”  But he’s not. He and his wife, Meghan Mullaly, are homebodies, they enjoy each other.  They like staying in, reading books (sounds like a lot of books), and watching TV; watching the Hobbit seems to be a big thing for him. He talked about making love a priority in life, over everything. And the way he spoke of his wife was so admirable and sweet.

Say please and thank you.
Simply about the basics of being a person with etiquette.

Carry a handkerchief.
With this he pulled a handkerchief out of his back pocket.  He told us how his dad always told him that wearing a clean white shirt and carrying a handkerchief are important every day.

“Great for tears and wiping up ejaculate.” (his words not mine, cause I’d never say that!)

Eat red meat.
’nuff said.

Get a hobby.
“Hobby is an unfortunate word, like underpants, Mitt, and Romney, for something that can have such a profound impact on one’s life.

With this lesson, he made us laugh with stressing the fact to make something. Anything. If you don’t know much about Nick Offerman, he loves to woodwork.  He has a shop and a website about his woodwork too. He was so spot on with everything he was saying.  “Don’t go on your phone and play drawsomething..actually go.. Get paper and draw… something! Make something with your hands. Even a card. Grab a piece of paper.  Bend it in half. Go outside. Find a stick or thing in nature. Glue it to the paper.  If you make this card, or anything, with your hands, for your partner, you will never get such an appreciative and passionate kiss, ever.” Also, as his character, Ron Swanson, says, “people that buy things are suckers”.

“If you’re looking for a mate, would you rather find someone who’s amazing at playing Angry Birds or would you like someone who knitted the garment they’re wearing?”

Go outside. Remain.
Pretty self explanatory.

Avoid the mirror.
He touched upon how we are just so caught up in image.  Not being good enough or overly vain. Saying that, “I only look in the mirror to make sure my mustache is clean. No shit on my face. Good to go.” and “We are amazing.  We get so caught up in ourselves and perfection.  If You have a nose, you’re fucking beautiful.”

Maintain a relationship with Jesus Christ…if it’s getting you sex.
With this lesson he told us a story from his youth, when he faked to be a born again Christian for a hot girl he liked.  He got her, but he had to jump through a ton of Christian hoops.

Use intoxicants
Using intoxicants can make life much more enjoyable. I believe Mr. Offerman is a fan of quite a few and might’ve been on some this night. Very enjoyable.

Paddle your own canoe.
It’s your life.

“Don’t be like Jerry. Jesus Christ, whatever you do, don’t be like Jerry.” (referring to Jerry Gergich on the show)


If you see Nick Offerman coming to your town, get tickets. Go see him.  
It felt like I left with a great message through all the laughs.

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